FINALLY got my blog changed. Bloody frustrating. The computer kept jamming whenever I opened the dreamwever. Maybe because it’s a pirated version. So I gave up and did it in pure html code. That was another hell march. Couldn’t get the background to have only ONE gun and not duplicate itself. Then I got the novel idea if ripping off the code from an existing website. Of course I did a lot of a editing of my own. I am not that shameless to just put up someone else stuff. And viola, my masterpiece was created.
But would my problems end there? Nooooo, they wouldn’t. Then the bloody tripod site became bloody slow, and just wouldn’t let me upload my stuff. Oh, by the way, I was doing all that at about 12 pm last light. By this time I was getting bloody pissed, which I rarely do. Then the ultimate in all of computer irritation happened. My computer hanged. I was beyond pissed. If the graph of me being pissed against irritation level were plotted, it would turn out to be an exponential curve. Slow at the initial build up, but once its accumulated enough, it reaches critical in no time. That’s when my pissedoffness hit critical, and I just jabbed at the off button and went off to sleep.
Only this morning was I able to get the stuff up. Ah…. all very nice, until, a stupid ad pops up right in the middle of the page. Unusually my pissedoffness was still near critical, and I just couldn’t bother fixing it. So I gave up and went off to the library. Fortunately I met up my dear old friend, Xing Yong, the resident HTML-expert-to-be (because I think I still beat him, but he is catching up fast, while I am slaking), and he introduced to me a nifty little script. It blocks out all your ads and popups! WOW that a miracle man. But there’s a catch, there always is. It blocks ALL popups. And it just so happens that the tagboard works on popups. So, very much shitily the ads will stay there if my board is to work. But if I want to remove them, the Board doesn’t work. SOMEONE OUT THERE HELP ME!!!
14 September 2004 2131Is it just life or is it me? I hardly notice her now a days. Makes me wander why was I so over her, just a couple of weeks ago. Interesting point I brought up in GP discussion today. I don?t think I would be able to stay long with one person for long. So maybe it?s me. But then again I have never been in a relationship. How would I know? Its just so hard for me to get into a relationship in the first place. Why? I am alone at home most of then time. Father?s off to work, mum?s either off to her voluntary work, or some of her friend?s house. No other siblings. No cousins. No extended family. Friend are mostly busy with their on family or friends. That?s how I started off. Isolation led to more isolation. That?s why I say the wrong things at the wrong time. I just never got the chance to find out what to say when. And now because of this I have already screwed up five friendships. And might be on the verge of screwing up some more.
6 September 2004 1332
Lets analyze my live.
I was born in Calcutta, India, which is actually now known as Kolkata, for reasons yet mystified to me, and within a few months was whisked away to Chandigar, still in India, and about an hours plane right away from Calcutta. There I grew up, a weak and often bullied child, with the only family close to being my mum and dad. I used to cry a lot. For very minor incidents, or often for none at all. I still remember when I started crying because the kid in my neighbourhood, who were using my ball to play cricket, had lost it. I cried when my lunch box had fell out of my bag, opened up, and spilled all its contents on the muddy field I used to cross on my way to school. I cried so hard that the teacher made every other kid give me something from their lunchbox, and I ended up with having plenty to eat.
At age 6, my father got posted to Singapore, and family was whisked to the lion city. Every thing was new and scary. I had never seen so many yellow skinned people. The English they spoke did not sound at all like the English we knew, let alone the fact that we knew hardly any English at all. There was no such thing as seasons here. And it rained almost every other day. One day, I remember, my mum and me were looking out the window, it was raining cats and dogs. I trued to my mum and asked when were we going back to India. I had tears in my eyes.
Almost a year went by before my dad could get me into a primary school. Most of them said I was too young to get into primary school that year, as I was to turn 7 only in November. Finally I got into Naval Base primary. It had a Punjabi lady as principal who took pity on me and the school also had plenty of vacancies. I dont remember whether I cried on my first day. I must have.
The rest of my live, in the next entry. I have to go now.
31 August 2004 0018
Hail the Supreme Queen of 100 meter square of classroom space in YJC, known as Dilionland.
Hail the ultimate goddess of PW, the bringer of formats, deadlines and control freakiness.
Hail the championer of euthanasia as a method to kill of the poor people in India, and bring about a better society.
Hail the possessor of weird dress sense, and shoes that I kind of like.
Hail the stimulator of debate, the propagator of arguments, and the provoker of Alvin.
Hail Mrs. Dilion
28 August 2004 0038
I sometimes wonder, whether to consider myself lucky, or to be in remorse. I do have what other would almost give anything for. Supportive parents, ability to do well academically, no shortage of material goods. What I don?t have is a good friend. A friend who is with me almost everyday. A friend whom I can rely on to follow you to any place that I need to go. A friend who will be there to push me when I need a push. A friend who can tell me what to do if I dont know what to do. Someone who knows exactly what I am going to say next. A friend so close that I might call her my own. I just want a good friend.
Anyone.
Not just her.
I have a declaration to make. My feelings for her seems to have died away. Henceforth I would treat her as a friend.
26 August 2004 1804 hours
WELCOME WELCOME, to all the people who just found out about my blog. Make yourselves at home, feel free to look around, though i must say it isnt much. Please, feel free to tag, i wont take a piece of blunt instrument, e.g. a baseball bat, to hit you repeatedly on your head until it turns into a homogeneous pulp mixture if u tag. Serious.
Poh Boon doesnt know who Kofi Annan is. He is appaled at the fact that a black can be the head of UN. And he thinks that South America is where the blacks live.
Poh Boon, two points to note:
1.Your brain cells start depleting after your first baby tooth falls.
2.Brain cells dont grow on trees.
Moral of the story: make use of your brain, while you still can.
Mr. Lim Siao Kuan-
An intresting speciment. Historical records suggest ancient civilisations holding him to high respect as the Bringer of Sleep, or the Gurdian of Dreams. Modern scientific researchs conducted suggest that there is a high concentration of sedetives in the skin of the speciment, and through the proccess of diffiution, these sedetives diffuse through the atmosphere, affecting the people around him. Researches hypotisis, however have yet t prove thats this high concentration of sedetives is to blame for the unusual level of perspiration experienced by the speciment.
13 August 2004 2344 hours
I feel useless. I really do. What is the perpose of life? I mean when u get down to it isnt it just about feeding yourself and surviving. Ok maybe we do more than surviving. We do things to satify ourselves. I mean what the hell for? Because we feel. We feel that we need to be satisfied in many ways. I want to be useful. i dont know how. I know i am gonna fail my MT test tml, and the end of year too, and take it again next year, and have no i dea wether i am gonna pass it then either. My social life is a tragedy. Not because JC has made it to be so, but it is me who, it seems, is unable to mentain a suitably lengthy conversation with anyone, and never fails to drive away everyone. I never seem to able to say the right words at the right time. And never am able to know wat to to say or do, when they have to be said and done. Always way after do i realise wat i should have said or done. And i wait for people to realise that, which they never do, and misunderstand me for being an upstart. I donno wether its luck or fate or some sort of conunbrum in the fabric of space and time, but watever it is, it never fails to conspire with my horoscope and my psycology to push me to people to people i have very little interest in, and and away from the people i find so facinating. Right from kindergarten, through primary and secondary school, and up till jc.
Yet i wait. I light a small candle, in a room full of Phillips light bulbs plugged in to 240v mains supply, and and wait for people to come to notice the candle.
Her hairstyle seems to have changed, she looks prettier now. And i feel like melting when i hear her laugh. serious.
9 August 2004 2315 hours
MATS' DAY OUT
Seriously it was. Went to Esplanade and EVERYWHERE I turned, I saw those tapers, those seriously crazy hairdos (though beng ones can be worst), and the make up caked faces of the Minas, almost always latching on to a hand of a Mat. Man, bengs are out and Mats are in, wonder when will it be the turns of the tamilas, or maybe its already passed. Bought a necklace thingy during my esplanade trip. According to fad, its a choker, not a necklace. Oh well, choker then. Pretty proud of it really, first time ever that I bought something that would make me look good, or so I hope. Mir is suggestion I cut GI, or even bald. I want to, but I hesitate. Mir says don?t care what people think, just do it. Well I have to think what would Ganash think. But then who gives a damn about him.
What about you guys? Should I cut GI, or bald, or not cut at all?
Hey, that almost rhymes.
You know what? I don?t really feel that bad nowadays anymore. Or is it because I am spending most of it on my own. And a few other friends. Ya, perhaps that?s it. I am much happier on my own. I am the only person who can understand me well enough, and vice versa. But there are people I do click with. Just yesterday, and old schoolmate of mine, tapped me on the shoulder in the library. Dint recognize her at first, she dint have her glasses on. We talked as we walked, and if not for the fact that we had to take different trains, our conversation would have gone on for a long time. Why don?t I get that kind of people in my class?
My class. I am already kind of sick of it.
My class.
Hwee Chee, and her intense concentration
Serene, and her stick figure
Kim Hong, and her coloured hair
Qiai and her uncommentableness
Cohui, and her incessant wining
Jesslyn, and her make up
Hariza, and her fragileness
Fadhila, and her ever-changing blog template
Poh Boon, and his insatiable desire to go home
Chun Kit, and his hyperactivity
Samuel, and his roundface-ness
Eugene, and his pigeons
Christopher, and his gas emissions
Yean Seng, and his Hokkien swear words
Richard, and his brow raising
Wei Chun, and her lip cramps
Wanting, and her mania with the guy next door
Joel, and his church songs
Alvin, and his political jargon
Ezila, and her stoniness
Yimin, and her obsession with bean bag tigers
Melvin, and his bullshit
My class
Just kidding guys, I still love you, well sometimes at least.
Wow, that must be one of the best poems to exist on the face of this earth.
3 August 2004 2142
Fine, i will lighten up. But not because you asked me to, but because I want to.
25 July 2004 0000 hours
I am lonenly. i dont know why, but i am. i might act as if i want to be alone, but in actual fact i dont. i do have friends, but almost always those friends have somone else. or those friends dont really click with me. its hard to click with me, i know. i am diffrent.
i am shy. i want to talk to people, but am just too scared to start a conversation. i am just too afried that i might say somthing wrong. it has happend too many times. i wait, in hope, but in vain, for people to talk to me. very rarely do thay ever do. but those who do, even a one-liner, really makes my day.
I am jelous. i am jelous when some other guy makes her laugh, and its not me. i am jelous when its some other guy that she keeps talking to, and its not me. But i am not the kind to cry sour grapes. The only person i hold at fault is me. and circumstances. Circumstances have yet to pitch me and her together, or so i believe.
But i am not complaining. i know there are people how are worst off than me. There are people who might be good at things that i want to be good at, but i am better at them at things that really matter. there are also people who are worst off than me all around.
i know it sounds bad, but cant help feeling slightly happyer, knowing that i scored better than her in maths, and chem too i think.
13 July 2004 1844 hours
A recent upsurge of activity in my blog is getting me a tad bit nervous. Not really used to so much attention. But I am enjoying it, it seems, as I said before, I do crave attention. But I know its not going to last long; I can already see it dying out. I don?t mind anymore, I am trying to develop night vision. Work is being crammed up to our necks, no idea how I?m gonna digest all that.
The most intelligent thing an intelligent person can do is not to show that he is intelligent.
11 July 2004 0003 hours
Some people curse the darkness, instade of lighting a candle.
Some people light a candle, instade of cursing the darkness.
Some people accept the darkness, and develop night vision.
I like to think i am the last one.
1 July 2004, 1926 hours
My oh my, immaturity shows man. Been reading Kym?s blog. No, its not the Kym of 111, its another Kym. Interesting will be an understatement. It was comparable to the columns I read in the Sunday times. Her friends are right, should look into the possibility of taking her writing further. I feel damn immature about whatever I am writing about man. Girls? Well actually only one girl, but still like, what?s so great about this one girl? OK well there is something about this girl that is great, or else I won?t be so over her but still??..ok, I do have right to talk about what ever I want to in my blog right? Even if its just immature jabberings on this girl that I am infatuated with. But cant help feeling a prang of jealousy. Why don?t I have more mature thinks to talk about?
Fad?s story was inspiring. Maybe I will end up like her. But at least she got to know the guy well, and become good friends by the looks of it. I am barely acquainted to her, let alone be good friends. Why am I talking about her again?
Never knew Melvin was so religious, he doesn?t LOOK religious. But after you read more of his blogs, you start doubting his religiousness. The one about comparing his faith with the growth of his big tow nail, seems to me a bit hilarious. Was that a serious analogy, or incredibly clever joke? Well if it was a joke, it really was funny?..serious?
I WANNA READ MORE BLOGS, share with me yours, shout out, click on the WHATEVER YOU WANNA SAY button below.
1 July 2004, 1626 hours
Its all coming back to me again. The melancholy, the hurt, the pain, the jealousy, the craving, the desire to be heard, to be wanted. It all stared when I pissed her off, well at least I think I did. I just don?t know how to do it, just how to attract her attention. I want to get closer to someone, but almost all the time I step over the line. Or never get anywhere close enough to make an impact. I can already guess what type of impression she is creating of me in her mind. Not a good one. I am becoming more and more distant from her instead of getting any closer. And just to think that the day before I was dreaming that we went out on a date. Fat hopes. I really got to face the facts. She is never going to be mine. I better stop trying, if not I will make it worst.
Can anyone help me? Does anyone bother? Is anyone reading this?
If there is, shout out, click on the whatever you wanna say button below.
17 June 2004, 0256 hours
I have been thinking about the conversation I had with her, oh so long ago, yet which feels like it happened just yesterday. She asked how was FON (freak of nature). And I said that I remember seeing him die, and was quite sure that he was dead. To which she replied that I should be laughing in my chair right now (we were having this conversation through the MSN). I just replied yes. Now though, I think I should have said no. I wasn?t laughing. I would also have continued by saying ?I an currently using a brand of humor that borders on sarcasm and as such had very little in it that could make me laugh. You could laugh if you want to, I would not gain or loose much more than an oxygen molecule from the fact that you find it humorous enough to deserve laughter. However you should note at this point that the this brand of humor has, but a moment ago, just crossed the line, and is currently well and truly in the realms of sarcasm. Therefore if you still find the current lines humorous, your doing your own self metaphorical damage.?
1 June 2004, 1901 hours
I am consumed by her.....only saw her for half a day, after 4 days of not seeing her. and tml is a holiday, wont be seeing her. I dont have anything planed too. i am gonna die of boredom tml. I was given advise to stop going after her, instaed just be her friend. and i think she is right. It would be better if i juat remain as friends for now. Just get to know her better. I have to face the facts, its not going to happen anytime soon. Even geting to know her better will be tough. I feel so inferior to her. She is signing up for all sorts of things, and wat am i doing? Not much. she is not so responsive either. i have notices that. i dont blame her. its not her fault. its just me....
31 May 2004, 1214 hours
i donno wether i did the right think publising this website like that. There is a lot of things i wrote in here that i wont want anyone to find out about. But in a way i do want them to find out about them. But still, i am taking an awful risk. So if u are reading this and find out stuff about me that u never knew, and know that those things, if made known to people, will hurt me, plz, i urge u, do keep it to urself. if i have told u about this site, that means i trust u. Though of course its written bright and bold in my MSN nick, i dont think anyone bothers to go and have a look, unless i point it out to them. Is my stuff really intersting? Will all this look good in a book? I dont think so. All this is just bekerings of an ordinarily stress teenager, going throught what any other teenager goes through. BUt still there is a diffrence. I am diffrent, I do concider my self to be diffrent. I am proud to be differnt. But does that make a diffrence? Maybe maybe not. i donno. maybe its just me, wait, isnt it always me. I dont seem to have a reson to go on, do i? well if i look hard, i do, but all of them are short lived. None of them last. But isnt that wat ife is about? Here and now? now i got to bathe.
28 May 2004, 1807 hours
How long has it been since i last entered anything in here? A long time. actully i dont see any point anymore. I mean who is reading this? None of my classmates are, they havent asked me who i have a crush on. ok maybe fir still does, but not becoz mine is particularly interesting, but he reads everyone's blog, or those he has atleast. But still i write becoze he complains thats i dont write anymore. Atleast there is one person who reads it. I am opening up. Now i realise that i have been close up all this while. Now i realise why i dint have too many friends before. All this while, i had been expection too much from all the friend that i have....had. Anyway, the point is that I am growing up. JC has done me good. i dont regret it. BUT, there is always a but, I am still not able to lower my expectation. Human minds are the most complex form of coded information there can exist in this world. Even I myself cant read wats going on on there. Maybe i think too much. But thinking too much has got my PW group where it is today. U see i think about it even when i am doing somthing else. I doubt wether the others even bother. I like pw. Thats one of the very few times that i get to talk and crap with som other people. But i feel realy hurt when they clearly think its a burden, and a waste of time. But i dont blame them. One man' meet is another man's posion. Damn, could not ask her out. She has kayaking course on that day......
3 May 2004, 1101 hours
Its been almost a month since i upadted my blog. My, how time flies. I am settling in, the my classmates are cool, or at least not as bad as i imagine they could become. Work is piling up, but i am still slacking. Or maybe my defination of slack is diffrent from others, coz, i seem to have finnished more of my work than my pals, well at least some of them. Some are way infront of me, and thats what makes me nervous. Anyway, i am starting to see how to deal with people now, a skill i didn't have before, and still am lacking in. U treat them as equals, then u get respect, but if u partonise them, they step over u. OK, maybe i am restating the obvious, but some times the obvious is so obvious that its overlooked. But the thing now is that i dont have a definet group. I am a drifter, never quite fitting into any group that i try to hang out with. I miss my old sch gang. Mybe its just time. Maybe i have to be more patient and wait for bonds to strengthen. Moreover OBS is tml, the way i see it is that, its a make or break. We will have to see. Time to test the populatrity of my website. People listen up, i have got a crush on a girl. The point is that the girl is in MY CLASS. Lets see how many people talk about this as we go along...............
9 Apr 2004, 1816 hours
I just learnt, happiness is a choice. U chouse wether u wanna be happy. Not, u are happy because the situation is favourable. I am not saying this because andrew mathuse. of, maybe he did enligtent me on this factor of life, but the rest of the speech was boring. yes, as i was saying, its ur choice to be happy. but, if thats the case, wats the intentions of this blog. I thought this is the place where u just pour out all ur frustrations and whimpers. then ur friends come along and read it and say, 'cheer up dude'. so wat do i do? i cheer u, cos i make the choice to cheer up. there is so much u want to say, so much u want to put down on pen and paper, or in this case keyboard to bytes, but only 10of it comes out. i think my problem is that i think to much. i think to much about every thing. i want to do a lot of things, but i cant. i think its precisely becoz of that that i cant do all those things. i wann ago so many things at one go that i cant channal my consentration on one.wat am i going on about?
6 Apr 2004, 1813 hours
WHOOOSAAAAH
U know wat?, u should go about living ur life without thinking about it. Thats the best way.
WHOOOSAAAH
22 Mar 2004, 1244 hours
Things to do before i go NS
1. Make a crossbow
2. Improve my website
3. Complete my Monopoly board
4. Claim the rights to my room
5. Finnish me book on philosophy
Donno how many i can do before i go NS
19 mar 2004, 0157 hours
Ariffah, this is a blog for goodness sake. U know wat a blog is? Well to me it is the place where u say wat u think, and i cant help wat i think can i now. and i am not forcing u to read it anyway, its u doing it out of ur own free will. So if u dont want to listen to petty thoughts of the heart, u can not read my blog, i suggest. and by the way, i dont like the girl i mentioned in my previous entry, she is pretty, but not my type. no i am not trying to denie here, thats the truth. wat i ment was, wat the hell do u say to a person who u know thinks ur a pervert? oh fuck, u have a led a diffrent life, u dont know wat its like to be me, i dont claim to know wat its like to be u either, so stop giving advise where u think ur capable of giving, coz ur not. stick to moca, or frap or watever.
check the watever u wanna say if u donno wat i am taking about.
18 Mar 2004, 0009 hours
A blog is a place where u regurgitate watever that is running through ur mind at that point of time, regardless of the concecunses of puting it there and wat u are thinking of it pre, or post entry in to blog. therefore, ideas might change after entry into blog. and a blog is only a guide to the person AT THAT POINT OF TIME. Wat am i going on about? i donno. i never know. i simpy hate it when some one plays a trick on me. No, this is not a trick, it a lie. An outright lie to keep me way. But i dont blame her. I dont blame her for thinking i am a pervert. Maybe i am. Maybe that was wat she was thinking AT THAT POINT OF TIME, and dint really mean it. I hold on to that hope. But maybe thats wat she really thinks. Man. OK, i will not give a damn, i am not gonna meet her anymore, and i have other friends. So SCREW her and wat she thinks of me. She is the past. I am in the present, and going to the future. Ariffah chreered me up slightly, writing that long thing in my forum. But she she only didi that only becos she was bored. they alwas do that, come to me only when they are bored or they want somthing from me. Maybe thats wat life is about. Going to people just becos they have somthing that they wat, be it company or phyical stuff. not for the sake of friendship, but for the sake of getting somthing. man. Talking to huan lin does help, at least i know there is somone who enjoys my company, or is she comeing to me becoz she has no one else to go to?(are u reading this Huan Lin?)
17 Mar 2004, 0049 hours
Now its hitting me. Now i realise what i have been doing for the past 12 hours, and i feel darn bad about it. I had been bragging about the site. I was making sure everyone knew about this shit. And i can just visualise what they might me thinking, this bloody show off, attention seeker. i donno. How else do i get people to see my site? Do i do that at all? I mean i create it, and wait for people to stumble over it? Well i could do just a minimal advertisment, and wait for people to notice. I just couldnt help myself. As i said, i crave attention. And wat sprincles salt on the wond is that Abraham is so much better than me, and I am bragging. Its only know that i realise. Man. One thing is for sure, its not really safe for me to say watever i want to here anymore, everyone will read. or atleast those who bother to come back and read it. I just wonder how many people will. anyway i dont really care, let them think wat they like, this is my blog after all. I suppose it will die down after a while, or probebly already has. No ones interested after the first look. Guess wat? Tho invited me to come along for their ice skating trip. i donno wat to make of it. Is she feeling guily? Or did shahid talk her into it? Maybe both. Gonna make a fool out of myself there. well better fool than freak i suppose. Really donno wats gonna happen there.
16 Mar 2004, 1513 hours
As u can see, my flash webby is up, and i am proud of it. Finaly i did somthing of substance after a long time. It just feels great. Now i realise that being alone is not really a burdurn, it can also be an atvantage. The trick is to keep the brain occupied. Happyness is not about having wat u want, but about doing wat u like and really being absorbed by it. The website kept me occupied for about two days, and those two days, i didnt even think about how lonly i am. Dint think of all that problems i had with the people around me, i was totaly absorbed. Even the news that Tho hats me falis to dampen my mood now. Now i just hope that my website goes up without a hitch.
8 Mar 2004, 2310 hours
How quickly the world changes. My life is currntly at one of its low points. Firdaus seems to be drifing away from me, my flash is right now at a dead end, and i just found out somthing that made my stomach curl. The thing that i found out is that i am a babe magnet. The only problem is that i am somehow the same polarity as the babes, so in effect i am repeling the babes, not attracting them. When i mean babes, i dont mean those that look good in less clothing, or on the beach. I mean girls in general. Guy, well, they find me soft, so might as well step over me. oh yes, and ariffah is pissed. I donno wether its me or just her world in general. I think is that latter, coz thats wat it seems in her blog. Yup, i read hers, i donno wether she reads mine, i dont think so.
7 Mar 2004, 1000 hours
Life is at a high point right now. I am goin to YJC, haunting Firdaus down there, and finaly I am gonna have a dynamic flash website. OK, lets not count my chicks yet, let me finnish it first. But there is one thing, i am starting to worry about Firdaus. He is kind of withdrawn right now. I know he is going through tough time, and should giv him some space to sort out his problems, but wat i am afraid of is that i might loose him as a friend. As in become distant from him, as sharom has become from us. i dont want that to happen. He is the closest friend I have. Without him i am lost. i know i am being shelfish here, but i cant help feeling that. i hope, at some point of time, we get back to wat we were before.
27 Feb 2004, 2338 hours
Got my results today. Man, man, man, man, man, I am shocked. Can't really believe that i could do so well. I mean, 5 As man. though the D7 is a big eyesore. Anyway, now the problem is where to go. You know, there is one advantage of doing badly, u have lesser choices, and so less headache. But if u do well, you can go almost anywhere, and theres where the headache startes. Moreover i dont really have any definet aim in mind. Well, there was one, but its now shattered. Well, I cant control her life, can I? She will do what she whats to. I have to fend for myself then. So wat would it be? YJC, MI or even some other better JC? I donno, i really dont.
24 Feb 2004, 1940 hours
I dont really know what to say in this enty. The thing is that when your life is fine, there i very little you could say about it. Yes, you heard it right, my like is indeed going fine. Well as fine as it was before, not more, maybe less, but the main point is that i am hapy with it. I caught a bit of limelight from the people in my class when the picture of the distorted human head i drew went around during maths lecture. I enjoyed that moment. But it didn't last, i didn't expect it to, but was hoping it would. Now i reallise my mistakes, Jeremy helped me think them through. so did shahid and aysur, they really are bring out the crapster in me. And that crapster is the one that that is gonna get the attention i believe. If only i could get the crapster out whenever I wanted to. And i still cant believe that tohira seems interested in aysur. Well they say thats wat it seems so, so I cant really be sure. But still, I would from now onwards think diffrently of her.
23 Feb 2004, 1811 hours
Damn, I had just typed out a whole paragraph for this entry, and the bloody thing got jammed, and now the whole paragraph is gone. Its ok, I will be patient, and type it all out again. You wont believe what happened today in math lecture after the period I spent in the library. You know that aysha I told u about? SHE TALKED TO ME!!! No, I dint make that first move, I was too scared, SHE DID. But she made one thing clear, we are never gonna be the close friends I had hoped for, as I hope for every girl I meet, just friends that say hi when passing by. She dint actually tell me that straight in the face, I figured that out by the way she approached me. I am prepared to accept that, as long as I know that there is one less person on this earth who hates me openly. Ah, I can breath freely on MI again, no more going around avoiding people. Finally, life seems to be going back to normal, or at least as normal as it can get for me.
23 Feb 2004, 1345 hours
I am doing this at the school library. Got damn bored with the book. There it is again, I saw her today, and there is that feeling again. But it?s not that strong. Yes, I am trying to change the world. Or rather, I am trying to change the way I look at the world. I am trying to get over her, accept the fact that she wont get any closer to me anymore. Actually I am just questioning myself whether I ever liked her. anyway i just want to get over it. and I finally found out what I have been missing from my life. Life itself. The fact about enjoying life. A life of action and adventure. does that sound romantic or what? I found that out yesterday. we went for a cycling trip all the way from Yishun to Haugang, then back again. Started at about 5 pm and reached back home at 10pm. but, there is always a but somewhere along the isn?t there, my tire went flat on the way back. Luckily it was on the way back and close to my house. If not I wont know what I would have done. Shit, the bell just rang.
21 Feb 2004, 2151 hours
Hey that was fun, making a fool out of ourselves at the swimming pool. Both Firdaus and me could not swim, and neither of the teaches could come. So what we did what to hang around by the edge of the medium pool making a fool out of ourselves. No, it was more like Firdaus was making a fool out of himself and making me look like a fool too. I donno, its my ego again. Here is a person who could not care less what other people thought of him, while I was almost worried sick of what others might think. I mean, they don?t even know us, and will never even get to know us, so why care? Man, I wish I were like him. But still I had fun, its always fun with Firdaus. He also helped me forget her. But it is always like that, I forget her for the weekends, then when I see her on Mondays, there is the feeling again. Yoanne helped too, but I suppose as long as someone talks to me it helps. And why am I writing entries so frequently? That?s because I have got a lot of things to say. I should have started this a long time ago.
21 Feb 2004, 1132 hours
I gave up on the dynamic flash website I was planning of this web page; I am just to damn lazy. I have stopped doing my art, got no inspiration. I donno why I am living. I am also giving up on her. The thing is that if I start dreaming about something, start counting my chicks before they hatch, I can get nothing done. However if I suddenly have an idea, and get to work on it immediately, it will come to a point where completion is that only conclusion. And all the stuff I am giving up now, I dreamt of them, dreamt of them big. No, I know why I am living. I still have people to help me. I am going swimming with them today. Can you believe that I don?t know how to swim? And in 3 years time I am going to NS. I am gonna be killed there. Be satisfied with what you have, so say my mom. I am trying to be. But it?s hard.
21 Feb 2004 2004
I am sick of the world. I know I have no right to be, but I am. I know there are people worst of than me, dying of hunger in Africa, or being killed by bombs in Iraq and Afghanistan. But am still sick of my life. She didn?t log on today. She told me she would but she didn?t. I know it might not be her fault, but it still hurts. Just to see her hurts. I don?t know what?s going on. I never felt this way before. No, I did, but this is worst. I mean, why am I so isolated form the opposite sex? Or is it just I thinking that I am, whereas I am actually not? I do have female friends, Ariffah and, well no one else. The others u cant really consider them friends, though they are nice. Am I asking too much? I mean all I want is to be good friends with a few girls. And yes, I crave for attention. I cant live without it, or am I deprived of it? I don?t know. I cant. She keeps giving me false hopes. She acts as if we can be got friends, but in fact she is all over her boyfriend. I don?t envy the boyfriend, because I don?t want to do what they do together. I just want to be good friends. I know its my fault too. I am not doing much to help myself either. And the most traumatizing was that aysha incident. I don?t want to talk about it. Even in my blog.
